Heading into the second Test, all the discussion was whether Josh Hazlewood’s return from injury would bump Scott Boland out of the starting XI.
Luckily, Hazlewood fell on his sword – why was the sword at training? Only Josh knows – and declared himself unfit to play. Not just a great fast bowler, but a savvy marketer as well.
Here’s the report card for the second Test between Australia and South Africa.
The most Australian cricketer ever
Grade: A-
After Boland’s inevitable first wicket of the Test, South Africa appeared mostly untroubled for the first session.
Well, by ‘untroubled’ I mean, of course, that Dean Elgar was dropped twice and bowled once where the bails didn’t fall off. Elgar is apparently the dean of the University of Extra Batting Lives.
However, just when it appeared as if Pat Cummins’ decision to bowl first would backfire, South Africa lost three wickets for two runs heading into lunch. One of those wickets was Elgar, run out for the first time in his lengthy career after Marnus Labuschagne swooped in and threw down the stumps at the bowler’s end.
Foolish. Elgar, of all people, should know that South Africa has famously always produced some of cricket’s finest fielders.
The only other partnership of any note in the first innings came between Kyle Verreynne and Marco Jansen. But watching a tall cricketer prove his all-rounder credentials suddenly gave recent triple-millionaire Cameron Green an idea.
Remember, you can’t spell trIPLe-millionaire without IPL.
Green came to the bowling crease, and immediately proved yet again his golden arm credentials, dismissing both set batters on his way to his first Test five-wicket haul.
Green with a golden arm is perhaps the most Australian cricketer ever.
Flaming chariots
Grade: B+
Australia began the second day with David Warner and Labuschagne at the crease after Usman Khawaja had sensibly lost his wicket the evening before to avoid the prospect of playing cricket in the disgusting Melbourne heat that swept into town on a flaming day two chariot.
After just a few overs of batting under the sweltering sun, Labuschagne also decided he’d had enough, sacrificing himself in a run out so he, too, could return to the air-conditioned dressing rooms.
People make fun of Marnus, but he’s a man who respects the simple joys of spending a searing summer day sucking on frozen watermelon while kicking back in the dressing room inflatable pool.
But Warner and (obviously) Steve Smith were too stubborn to stop playing cricket simply because their vital organs were on fire. Instead, they batted on in the highest partnership of their long careers together.
Great stuff. Great, stupid stuff.
Australia didn’t have it their own way, however, in terms of players over-exerting themselves in the heat. That idiot, Anrich Nortje, raced in and bowled a spell of bowling in excess of 150km/hr.
Impressive, sure. But also insane. Like building a house made entirely of discarded spatulas.
David Warner celebrates a double century. (Photo by Darrian Traynor/Getty Images)
The First Law of Robotics
Grade: A
Heroically, Nortje failed to burst into flames during his overly enthusiastic bowling spell. But there were reasonable fears that if he attempted to repeat the effort, he may not be so lucky, non-combustion-wise.
This was a problem. The First Law of Robotics states: ‘A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm’. And so, SpiderCam swung into action, swooping in from nowhere to crash into Nortje in a bid to knock some much-needed sense into him.
Inevitably, the woke left were up in arms over SpiderCam’s heroic actions, calling for it to be cancelled based solely on the fact that it was out of control and crashing into cricketers.
Grow up. Dozy fielders oblivious to the prospect of flying robots are ruining the sport. If anything, there should be more drones launching blindside attacks.
You’re telling me the Big Bash Power Surge wouldn’t be improved by the fielding team simultaneously fighting off an attack from Skynet?
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Liechtenstein
Grade: A
Neither the heat nor the rise of our robot overlords could stop Warner from reaching a century in his hundredth Test. In doing so, he became only the second person (after Gordon Greenidge) to score a century in both their hundredth Test and hundredth ODI.
And, sitting on 99 T20 internationals, it certainly opens the door for something truly remarkable in Warner’s next match in the shortest format.
Should Cricket Australia schedule a T20 against, I dunno, Liechtenstein, after this South Africa series? Common sense says: yes.
For no immediately obvious reason, Warner then powered on to reach a double century before powering down almost instantly after doing so (and completing his Toyota Leap of Celebration™).
He retired hurt and was assisted off the field, returning the next day to be dismissed first ball like the grand comic figure he is.
Magnificent giant puppies
Grade: B+
After Nathan Lyon arrived and blasted an inexplicable 25 off 17 balls, Cameron Green returned to the middle to bat with a busted digit.
So busted were the digits, in fact, that he joined Carey in one of those partnerships between the number six and seven in which eight and nine have already been dismissed. Classic cricketing numerical mayhem.
Green hung around with Carey long enough to see the latter to his first Test century. It was a ton that Green celebrated more openly joyously than anybody at the ground, like the magnificent giant puppy he is.
It was a great moment in Australian cricket, as Carey became only the second batter in Test history to bring up a century in David Warner’s hundredth Test.
The fourth day began with also-injured Mitchell Starc taking what was surely the finest post-Mankad-warning-yorker-LBW-given-out-on-review wicket in his illustrious career.
But apart from that, South Africa spent most of their second innings cleverly running themselves out to minimise the prospect of Nathan Lyon taking the four wickets needed to go past Kagiso Rabada as top Test wicket-taker in 2022.
A team united. Great to see.
In the end, South Africa’s reckless determination and a final wicket to Steve Smith (!) meant Lyon could merely draw level, and the visitors therefore leave for the third Test in Sydney with a moral victory under their collective belt.
Also on that belt? An innings and 182 runs non-moral defeat.
